I think there is nothing more important in life than a relationship. I think life purpose is only necessary to make relationships last.
I think that a blind drive for success with a partner you don’t love is the darkest place on earth.
I think, the greatest pain in my whole life, is regret.
I think this article and nature is a bastion of hope for those who have closed their heart to romance, love and intimacy.
Here’s a story about romance, spirituality and love.
Infatuation attracts us to someone. To the level of infatuation that attracts us to someone, there will be the resentment to push us away. Infatuation breeds resentment.
How we react to this post honeymoon infatuation depends on our constitution. An ether person will live in fantasy and will hardly notice. The air person will panic and think they didn’t do enough. The fire person will blame everyone and run around trying to get the infatuation back, the water person will be so glad that intensity has settled down and the earth person just gets back to work.
I believe that relationships are not primarily about love. I believe we can love anyone, anywhere anytime. To love someone is not just a sexual experience, it’s a natural state of connection. The only thing that separates us from loving anyone, is our mind.
Our ego, identity creates itself to protect us from perceived danger. The ego is responsible for our motivation and aspiration in life. When we think something is wrong with us, or we are not good enough we have an ego that kicks in to either hide that wound, or aspire to get rid of the bad bits. Self help, religion, identity and even associations with spiritual groups is based on ego improvement, often in the name of God or someone like that.
So, if it were not for our ego, we would not have boundary between us and others. Without ego, I think the natural state of humanity would be a state of unconditional love for each other. We are circumstantial humans. If the circumstances were such that we need not compete, we’d feet safe, secure, financially cared for, provided for, and worthy of love, then we would not strive for change, we would rest without the need for ego, in love with all, and one.
But that’s not how the earth was designed to be. No person is born without the baggage that demands an ego, and few people are born blessed by a saintly higher calling, (although ether and air people believe they are) so we all develop an essential and healthy ego. That ego comes and goes in strength depending on circumstance. An actor for example may be a total egotist off stage in real life, yet, when playing a character on stage, where their real life fears and insecurities are not a problem, may actually be able to let go their ego and become totally real, inspired. Or even the opposite: on stage an egotist and off stage a saint.
When Shakespeare wrote “all of life is a stage” – he was right. There are times when we are real and feel love for our fellow human beings, our lover and ourselves, and there are times when the ego kicks in, to protect us by creating an identity. Destiny is determined by our interpretation between that “unsafe place where the ego kicks in” and that other place “where we are real and feel love for our fellow human beings, our soul mates”
When we meet a lover we infatuate with them because they have something we want and desire. We eventually resent them because they are human and have all the things we want and all the things we don’t want too. Metaphysics and spirituality try to make us content without this infatuation, but with out infatuation, romance dies, hope dies, the motive for relationship dies. Without the ego, we are dead or enlightened and they are one in the same.
Step 1 – Love your ego, it’s the key to romance
When our baby is born, we have no ego around them, just pure love. When our baby is 2 years old, we have our love and our ego, because we want the baby to be safe and happy. Ego judges what is good and bad. Sometimes the ego and love are hard to separate, especially for the baby. You smile when it does well and you curse when it does bad. Like sticking its finger in a power point, you want it to associate power point, with not good, so somehow you withdraw love, and replace it with emotion. So the baby could be feeling loved, approved and rejected all at once.
Because of this, the baby develops an ego too. Sometimes it feels loved, there is no ego there, sometimes it feels approved, ego required, and sometimes rejected, ego required. It’s inevitable that egos are developed, even in the best situations, the ego always has two sides to it.
I helped a lady whose parents doted on her. She didn’t understand love that wasn’t doting. I helped another lady whose parents smothered her in love, she didn’t understand a life that didn’t reject her because she never felt she was worthy enough inside to be loved so much. (her parents infatuated her and hid their resentment). Her ego developed an attraction to men who infatuated her at first but would always eventually reject her. Things like this can be changed with the Discard Process – REAL SPIRIT.
Step 2. Natures Viagra is Infatuation
Sexuality, sensuality, romance and lust come from the ego. Love requires no expression. Hence the possibility to love many without bedding everyone. But for those who cannot separate love from lust, such as our new role models in the TV Series “Desperate housewives” or “Sex in the City” a new model of American gratification is emerging where we don’t have to worry about it. In the new model, sex is love. And this leads us down a really nasty path.
Infatuation makes us horny, resentment takes it away. Infatuation feels like love, tastes like love, actually is love at the ape level of our brain. The only challenge is the duality of it. Infatuation breeds resentment and so this sort of “Gorilla Love” suffers from the inability to be sustainable.
Infatuation is a one sided defiance of nature that presumes a one sidedness exists in your lover. We can hold this space for a time, but living together, eating together, sleeping together, it’s hard to sustain. In other words infatuation supposes that your lover can be wonderful without awful, attractive without repulsive, kind without cruel and so on. That’s why those one night stands and affairs are so hard to get over: we think we met our fantasy man or woman. But the truth is, that if you spend allot of time with them, longer term, they’d turn out like everyone else, dual. That’s a human being by definition – two sided and you can trust that.
So infatuation makes us horny and infatuation is based on one sidedness (half truth). Of course the one sidedness we are looking for is based on our ego, and our ego is always trying to avoid something from the past (a meanness in our father) or run toward something, a fantasy in our dreams. When we get a heart break, it’s not that our lover was lying or cheating, it was, in fact, that our expectations, based on our carried forward baggage from the past, got exposed to us. So infatuation is unsustainable.
Does this meant hat all relationships are less horny in the long term than the short term? The short answer is “usually yes” but not by necessity. Let’s see how to stay horny and infatuated (romantic) with your love so it doesn’t end up like the last one… (see here, divorce, breakup etc)
See the Two Sides, Focus on the Positive
We get choices. We can keep our ego, hold our thoughts and expectations as being RIGHT, and find a whole group of friends to agree with us about how bad our partner is or was, or we can confront our ego, and grow through the challenges.
It’s simple: there’s two sides to everything. Ego says there is not. When you see one side to something, it’s your monkey brain ego, “Lower Mind” emotions dictating your viewpoint. When you see two equal and opposite sides to something it’s your “higher mind” and the ego is at rest.
The work, energy, time and effort we put in to hold onto our ego, our expectations, is extraordinary and wasteful. For example: people have affairs, change jobs, or make babies, get addictions, over-invest in shares, do sports or watch porno movies just to keep that one sided belief system alive. Other’s eat to death, or become fear driven. Another way is to hibernate in meditations and yoga to avoid the reality that there are two sides to everything, including war and violence. Ego has many support systems, but none of them arrive in true love.
When resentment comes into a relationship, we think that something is wrong, but really, that’s just the flip side of infatuation. It’s not wrong, nor a good chance to run, it’s a time to “GROW”.
I work with hundreds of people throughout the world who want to improve their love life. Many of these people are still stuck in the infatuation model of love, wanting to be horny, sexy or highly attracted to their partner by looks or wealth or sex, and they want change because it’s unsustainable but they don’t want to change their appetite for the infatuation.
So, to sustain a relationship we need to realise that infatuation is important, (romance and attraction) but there will be equal and opposite evidence to resent our partner. So, it becomes a matter of choosing what we focus on. We can choose to focus on what they don’t have, or we can choose to focus on what they do have. Either way, they will be balanced and it is ultimately our choice, not them, whether we focus on good news or bad.
Step 3. Be REAL – It’s so horny to be real
I believe that a relationship is the most important thing on earth. A great relationship means an individual really turns up at the office for work in a great space, sensitive, aware, compassionate and considerate. Their goals are formal, their ambitions are healthy, but above all their heart is open.
Wealth, business and achievement are vital to life, but with a home life that’s about as romantic as a prison cell (sometimes worse because I hear they still have sex in prison) life all turns to robotics and lies.
Children are no proof of love, they are born of infatuation. Wealth is no proof of love, some of the most ugly and mean hearted people are wealthy. Spirituality is no proof of it because it’s usually an escape from intimacy. No, these are no proof of love between lovers. I would rather define the proof of love between lovers as romance. Better this illusion than all the others combined.
Being romantic involves being real. It means that there will be good sides and bad sides to your partner and your job, whether you are with them or not, is to see both and focus on the good side. Dumb, monkey brain wants to just be infatuated and see good, but wise people, sustainable relationships know there must be two sides. You can celebrate both. You are no victim of destiny.
One friend of mine once went to India, to an astrologer of very high acclaim. She presented her credentials and he gave her a reading. In the reading he declared that she would meet a certain man and he was in her chart on a certain month. So she sat around the house in her pyjamas, holding onto this information, waiting for him to fly in the window. She thought it was an ex partner she’d not let go, so she waited because it was destiny. When it didn’t happen she contacted the astrologer and asked why the guy in the chart didn’t show up.
The Astrologer’s answer was, “you changed your destiny. Sitting around the house in Pyjamas was not in your charts.” So, sometimes the more we want something to happen, and the more we change ourselves, the more we push away what is really our destiny. This is where emotional stability, clear goals and knowing what you want in your life from a work and fun viewpoint are critical to relationships.
Another guy I worked with met his perfect match, (his words) and basically changed his whole life to make his partner happy. She left after a year because really, he was like a leaf on a windy day and that meant he became more and more like her, and in the end, they were pretty much the same values, same goals, same dreams and when two people are the same, one isn’t necessary. Being yourself is a key to love.
STEP 4. Shatter the Myths that keep you apart.
Myth 1.
The MYTH-STAKE of confusing love with infatuation.
You can change your destiny. Two human beings come together through infatuation but stay together because of love.
Our core dream is to find our soul mate. It is the eternal hunger of humankind. We all hold is the dream of being in love. Then to this word soul mate we project our hopes. Short, tall, fat, skinny, smart, dumb, wealthy, poetic. Then we compare who we are with to that subconscious list. And get pissed.
To love someone is not conditional, so we can love everyone. To infatuate someone, is to enjoy the dynamic. Dynamics are most enjoyable when there is more good news than bad news. That’s infatuation. If we runaround trying to present ourself as more good news than bad news it is an effort that will return attraction but we’ll have to be on guard in case we slip. and we do, and they will eventually see through our masquerade. So that’s not sustainable, just exhausting.
The key to romance is to witness the honesty of your partner, the two sides of them, without fantasy, because that’s love, then build infatuation by learning to focus on the good news. This is the most ancient teaching of all. There are two sides to everything, know both, for that is wisdom but focus on the good news.
I had a relationship with a woman who was always acting (hiding her true self) in front of me. She was obsessed with romance and infatuation. I tried to tell her that loved her for all of her, but she was so afraid of who she was that she couldn’t be honest. She wanted me to infatuate with her, for real but that was exhausting for her, we can see through these pretences. It’s really hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves. She only loved a half of herself. I loved all of her, the dark bits and the light.
Myth 2.
The Myth of MYTH-STICISM
If you can’t find God in the eyes of your lover, you can’t find God. Love wasn’t meant to become the obsession with the escape from reality into a temple or class room or bed room. Love is the immersion of our heart and soul into everyday existence, proof of our ability to love in the real world. Hiding from reality people often separate themselves into meditation in order to create infatuation. But the purpose of meditation is love. Love is reality. So the best meditation is life, and the best part of life to learn meditation is in the heart and eyes of your partner. When you can’t see or feel it, you’re ready to learn better meditation. This is what I teach my clients in corporate workshops too. No need to escape to meditate. Reality is the best medicine to learn meditation.
Male Viagra is feeling appreciated for what ever he does in work, mind and wealth creation, the male must appreciate himself and then he will be appreciated and feel horny.
What you appreciate grows. A person’s sexual appetite is connected to their viewpoint. It’s a primal part of them. People want to feel valued for their contribution. but no one can treat you better than you treat yourself so, the key to a great sexual appetite in relationship is self belief, self-leadership, self-valuation. Relying on someone else to bring you high in appreciation is too unreliable and exhausting. This is our responsibility in relationships, to turn up, self-appreciated, horny for life and our partner.
The only emotions that can block love are guilt and fear. Fear of loosing someone, and guilt about something you have done. But with everyday meditation, everything is worthy of love, so there’s nothing that can’t be loved and this is where the most powerful meditation awareness comes in. If you feel critical, angry, frustrated or jealous about someone, you are not living in reality, and there’s a process to help you through it called the DISCARD. I prove this over and over and over and over with people in my consulting sessions. Everything is worthy of love. Love can reign supreme, the eternal horny-ness is possible. Save money on Viagra being horny and in love is totally free and natural.
Myth 3.
The Myth of MYTH-INTERPRETATION
To know yourself is to know your truth. We myth interpret truth. We think we can be someone else, we get wound up, people motivate us, give us hope by saying anything is possible. No it’s not, what crap.
If you are three foot tall, doing Olympic high jump may be an amazing achievement, but it is still gravity versus force, Facts are facts. You can believe anything but it’s not always so simple to do anything.
This is why, in love and life, the laws of nature make romance and intimacy possible, because that is the whole basis of why they exist. To help people bind in love, for a second or a lifetime, nature is no judge.
The laws of nature are the rules of the game. When we break the rules life is tough, when we see situations through those glasses of natures law, life is as it is. The laws of nature define love as Support and Challenge. Is there any relationship that lacks it?
To see this is to be set free. Infatuation is to focus on support and acknowledge the challenge. Focus determines circumstance. We are circumstantial beings. We can be in hell, focus on the positive side (without denying the negative) and “hey presto” – good place to be.
In brothels and places where sex is sold, the whole emphasis is to focus people on the positive. To take their mind off moral judgment, their bad home life, their depression, whatever, the whole motive is seduction. And because the pain of the worker is never revealed, those professionals can focus on appreciation of even the worst of clients. The men feel powerful, not because they are, but because they are appreciated for it. Who really has the power?
We need to weave spells over our relationships. They are the mirror of our soul. It’s not just one night here and there but the whole experience of life. Crazy, diverse, serious, arguments, passion, but with one single under riding commitment, appreciation. Here lies the key to love. Not passive conforming straight denial, outright truth, and an appreciation for it.
Myth 4.
The MYTH of MYTH-TAKEN IDENTITY
I am my dreams. There can be allot of dishonesty here, because in stating our dreams we reveal who we are. We want to be somebody. Anybody will do. So we state the dream that this somebody would have.
This somebody could be the opposite of someone that hurt us. This somebody might be the hero in our fantasy dream. This somebody could be the solution to all our problems. Whatever this somebody is, this some body we want to be is rarely who we are.
Then if we get caught in a trap, where we are who we are, honestly, we start hoping that this somebody turns up in the form of a soul mate. Now we are in deep poo. We need this somebody to rescue us from our self created hell, they turn up, we don’t ever want to be dependent on them, so we try to talk them out of being the somebody we attracted, and out of the somebody that they think they are, so we can feel comfortable again.
Once they bend to our advice, then we are no longer attracted to them, because now they can’t rescue us. So the infatuation dies, and we are left with nobody, who is better than somebody that we feel less important than. We become kings and queens of our own domain. Alone.
Who are you really? Do you know? Do you still have the fantasy that you can be one sided, and people will believe you? Do you still blame others for causing you more pain than pleasure or more pleasure than pain. Are you still thinking that something is wrong that needs to be fixed in yourself or others? If so, you have some serious homework to do in order to have a relationship that thrives on love. Use the Discard Process to clear this debris.
Myth 5.
Myth that you MYTHED OUT
The ego holds the manifesto of your dreams. Our heart, our soul, our spirit has no dreams. It has no time, and therefore cannot exist outside of the current moment. All dreams are of the future and past, and so the spirit has no dream, it wants for nothing.
So why do we run so hard? We run to survive economically, we run to create immortality (leave something behind) we run to cause a difference and we run because we are looking for love.
Of all the above the last is the most illusive. Many people find love but the question of sustainability is at the heart of it.
Unfinished business begins to build up, and until, like an enema flushes our colon, a brush of gratitude is put through to clear our heart, love will be only a dream.
The love we hunger for is built of dreams and hopes. If those are lost much of the joy of life, which generates the energy for that quest, is stolen. We must begin relationship knowing that our lovers dreams and hopes give them the fire to work on relationship. This is a duty, to support and believe in the dreams and hopes of your lover. If you do not, you must change this or the passion is dead.
Ultimately, with our dreams and hopes secured temporarily, we will turn our being to the pursuit of love, the soul mate. This is truly the deepest quest of human existence. The quest to find the soul mate is saturated with expectations that come from the mind, but humble in the heart. For the real quest, although manifest in the intimacy we share with our chosen lover or lovers, is really to find what is missing within. We find it, mirrored in the heart of another.
Live with Love
Live with Spirit
Chris Walker
INSPIRED THINKING 